Why do we judge ourselves negatively

Why we harm ourselves when we judge others

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There was a time when I thought most people were enemies. There was war in my head. No matter where I was. In the supermarket, at the university, on the subway. These people, I condemned them, I condemned them all. With such hardness that even executioners with international professional experience would have had a cold run.

“How it looks! Have to eat her on the bus when she's so fat! This hairstyle is just plain ridiculous! The idiot is definitely on his way to the doctor's follow-up check because of his brain removal! Too stupid to shit! Failure!"

Really bad, I hate to admit that. And today I still judge people too often and too quickly, even if not nearly as blatantly anymore. I suppose many of us know her - that nagging voice in our head that often belittles others, friends and strangers, and everything in between. Try ‘walking around town for just ten minutes and not judging anyone. Not that easy at all.

Why are we doing this What does it do to us? And how can we get rid of it?

Here are a few answers that said voice in your head won't like.

Why we judge

A number of reasons:

  • We are social beings. And there has to be an order in social groups. It's programmed biologically. People upstairs and people downstairs, people who rule and people who serve. It starts with the very small things: When two people walk towards each other on a narrow path, which of the two makes room for the other? We do not make conscious decisions about this. We have a permanent comparison in terms of status. And we want to do as well as possible with that. So we want to exalt ourselves by belittling others.
  • We are unsure of ourselves and our worth. Then this status battle intensifies in the head. Let's not rest in us, we say yes us not, then we feel vulnerable and threatened by others. We try all the more to devalue them or cause them pain. An extreme case: young people who are supposed to be looked at in an “ey-what-you-look-you-so-stupid” way and strike immediately. Or: "Before he finds me shit, I'll find him shit" - so I can't get hurt. Think of the 45-year-old man, still a virgin, who hates "all those bitches" because none of them wanted him before. Or: We are jealous of the professional success of our colleague and, to protect our ego, assume that he has only climbed his way up or slept.
  • We reject parts of ourselves and suppress them. Push them out of consciousness into the shadows. If someone with exactly this quality comes along and holds it up to us as a mirror, we get angry. Because we are reminded of something that we do not want to be reminded of and that we can only meet with aggression.
  • We are lonely If we think about others, even if only negatively, if we relate to someone, a relationship or a bond is formed, our possibly uncomfortably empty consciousness is saturated with this person and the negative energy, can initially suppress the loneliness a bit.
  • We expect too much from our fellow human beings. And as a result, you are constantly disappointed and frustrated and this frustration fuels the devaluation.

How we harm ourselves

Judging is a sure path to suffering. A recipe that always fails and always sucks, and that we always have to eat ourselves.

It happens in our head, in our body, in our heart.

The target of our attacks often doesn't even know what it is - it's free from our thoughts. We have the damage.

As Buddha said:

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other to die as a result."

When we judge, we don't take enough responsibility for ourselves, our self-worth, our loneliness, our repressed qualities, and our own lives.

We are wasting the chance to take care of ourselves.

We also harm each other in a second way.

Instead of perceiving what is neutrally, invent a story about it. Instead of observing: “She talks a lot”, we think: “She can't stop, she's sick, apparently she doesn't care that others want to have their say, that just misses her! It should change urgently! ”.

We don't take people for who they are, and so we don't accept reality either. In this way we stir up our desire that someone should be different than he is, and in this way also strengthen the desire that other areas of our life also have to be different than they are. In doing so, we keep opening the door to condemnation and dissatisfaction. About the weather, politics, money, health, home, all of life.

The rift between our expectations and reality gets bigger and bigger, and at some point the gaping misfortune swallows us.

How can we stop doing this

Four steps help to gradually free us from the poison in us and to find more and more peace in us:

  1. Become aware when we judge. Really not that easy. But every single time we notice: “Oh, I'm just judging” helps. It gets a little easier every time.
  2. See through why we judge. Nor do we need to judge ourselves for judgment. It doesn't make us bad people, it's just hurt and insecurities that make us feel like it.
  3. Remember how this behavior harms us.
  4. Letting go of negative thoughts about the other. There are many tools for doing this. For example, we can see that we expected too much from him. Or we put ourselves in his shoes as best we can. He, too, is only looking for happiness and wants to avoid suffering. With all the personal luggage that each of us has (maybe we even found ourselves in a similar situation?). Or we remember that there is enough room in the world for all of us. The thin and the fat. The big and small. The needy and the less needy. The chatterbox and still water. For those who find it easy and those who find it harder. Or we ask ourselves: is it really important? Or: what can I do myself, where can I take on more responsibility?

In the end, we can invite thoughts like these:

“Yes, I accept this person as he is. I'll let him be like that. "

“Yes, I accept all of life as it is. I'll let it be like that. "

Doesn't that make a lot of things easier?

More about this under What people reveal about you, who upset you, Injured people, Injured people and in the myMONK book for more real, deep self-esteem.


Photo: Konrad Lembcke

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