Why is my mother bothering me

Mother burdens me ...

Hello my dears,

I urgently need advice from outsiders.
My mother has suffered from depression all her life.
As a result, I had a sad childhood.
She ALWAYS blamed me for everything.
If she accidentally hit her thumb with a nail, I distracted her etc. ... then I was 6 ...

She kept screaming and fell over.
Since my father was always on business trips, we had
Kitchen, the doc's number is written on the wallpaper so I could always call him.
I was a bed-wetter and when she saw that in the morning, my face pushed into it ...
If there have ever been good moments, she always has & quot; evidence & quot; made.
E.g. when she made me and my brother comfortable on the terrace with melons.

We had a cleaning lady who was there every day. She woke me up and got me ready for school. My mother only took care of my brother.
I was emotionally neglected.
I know from my father (parents since I was 7, divorced) that my mother never got up at night when I cried as a baby.
She lives in a completely different reality !!!
If you ask her about it, she just doesn't know anything about it and says that she has pictures of us being fine !!!

Every day I was afraid of how her mood would be again today.
There were days when we couldn't laugh.
Well, don't want to go too far ... there was still so much ...
She constantly wants to tell me what I should do better in my upbringing. Constantly criticizes me and fundamentally disagrees with me!
She is being treated and is also receiving medication. (always risk of suicide)
But I don't manage to be considerate of her anymore, which I should because she is & quot; sick & quot; u can't help it .....
When she sits next to me, I can hardly breathe and I feel dizzy.

I think about all the events every day and every time I meet her I have to listen to little taunts. She doesn't even notice what she's doing to me. It's ALWAYS negative. I say, I'm pregnant and you: wait a minute to see if it stays the same ... and you can't do it with 3 children, etc.
I'll be sick again if I write this now.

I think I'm going to have a girl this time and I'm terrified of becoming her like my mother ...
I can't describe it at all ... I keep panic.
I think I am going crazy.
Last week I had a migraine aura attack for the first time and I couldn't pronounce a few words and didn't see anything!
I ended up in the hospital and the doctor said it was caused by stress and anxiety.
Now I should get help too !!

Despite everything, I feel sorry for my mother, she has no one either.
But I can't go on anymore.
What should I do? Break off contact, leave you alone, no longer invite you to birthdays and Christmas?
She is sick .....
I've never written it all out like that and I'm grateful that there is such a forum where you can get opinions from bystanders.
Sorry, has become a bit long .....

Lg, Kati