Why don't I argue with people

Quarrel in partnership: who fights, loses

"You are always so self-righteous!" If he accuses me of that, I could blow my skin. Not just because of the insinuation that I am self-righteous. Maybe that's true. The accusation that I am ALWAYS self-righteous is definitely not true. Nobody is always all or nothing. That's why I have to open my mouth. What comes out of there is not particularly friendly and provides further explosive. We argue. Like so many couples.

The quarrel is a nightmare. Because it interferes with our idea of ​​ideal love. "A partnership without a quarrel is one of the most popular wishes in our culture," says couple therapist Christian Thiel from Berlin. But it is one of the most erroneous assumptions that a partnership can work without dealing with one's own needs and those of the other.

In doing so, we often fail because we realize that our partner works differently than we do, says Thiel. "But people are always different. That is why every partnership is actually an intercultural experiment." This clashes violently with our idea of ​​romantic love and symbiotic fusion - utopias well-nourished by films and books.

Not arguing is not a solution either

They do exist, these picture-book couples who never shred each other. Which suggest to us that life in a relationship is actually child's play, the rules of which we unfortunately have not understood. A possibly inappropriate self-flagellation, because the unspoken frustration is hidden behind the Bullerbü facade.

"Only about half of all couples break up because they argue violently. The other half split up because they do not argue," says Thiel. Instead of dealing with their partner, many prefer to come to terms with relationships that do not meet their needs.

How we behave in conflict situations has a lot to do with our childhood experiences

"What we want in partnerships is recognition, appreciation and respect," says Thiel. For this, however, the minimum requirements are often extremely poor. When both of you work, everyday life with children has to be organized and the next to-do list is urgent, the question arises 'how are you actually?' often first down at the back.

Such a question is the minimum of recognition that couples should give each other, says Thiel. The frustration at the insufficient appreciation, however, mostly discharges in other, more obvious things like lying around socks and open toothpaste tubes.

The partner reactivates childhood

The argument with the partner is necessary, but "the way in which we argue is crucial," says the psychologist and psychotherapist Helga Odendahl. Criticism in the form of you messages quickly makes the argument destructive. Because sentences like 'you are always so self-righteous' are a direct attack that leaves little room for maneuver for the other person.

'I often feel left alone by you', on the other hand, can have a completely different effect because the criticism is not formulated as an irrefutable fact. With my furious answer to the accusation, however, I am making the next mistake. "Anyone who is angry cannot have a reasonable and polite conversation," says Thiel. The anger must first dissipate. The best way to do this is to take a brisk walk in the fresh air.

You could use the time to think about why it is above all our partner who can upset us with just a few words or actions. After all, we usually get along with our friends without major dramas.

"In partnerships, the patterns we have learned from and with our parents are revived," says Odendahl. As children, we look very closely at how relationships work from the grown-ups. For example, those who have not learned from their parents to speak openly about their needs are initially faced with a problem in the partnership. "Couples therapy can be very helpful here," says the psychologist.

Really angry? Better to use a "Dammit Doll" like this one as a valve than your partner

Talking a lot doesn't necessarily help a lot

Speaking and listening skills are essential for a constructive argument. Most couples communicate far too little, as the couple therapists Thiel and Odendahl agree. However, there are also partnerships in which too much is talked about problems. Mine is one of them. "Problems are like goldfish: they grow when you feed them," says Christian Thiel.

These conversations are particularly pointless when it comes to conflicts that cannot be resolved but are a question of character. If one is a punctuality fanatic, while the other is always late, this provides material for endless discussions, which, however, will not solve the problem, says Thiel. "Everyone believes they are right. That is why we want the other to do things the way we do."

My partner and I have also tried in endless discussions to convince the other of our respective, at our own discretion, much more meaningful views. Without success. Because the talk is terribly grueling in the long run, we finally muzzled our self-righteousness and wrote down rules that should guide our communication in a more constructive way.

First law: pause first. Don't knock every emotion out of the other person's ears unfiltered. Words like "always", "nothing", "everything" and "never" are now forbidden. At first it seemed silly and trivial to us. But Thiel confirms that pragmatic solutions have to be found in order to be able to deal with irrevocable differences in a partnership. Then the punctual goes ahead and the unpunctual comes after.

  • 10 species of animals that show homosexuality is natural

    Giraffes in foreplay

    Same-sex mating is the norm with giraffes. 90 percent of all observed sexual activities take place with partners of the same sex. However, the animals don't always get straight to the point. Male giraffes often rub their necks gently along the body of the other. This foreplay can take up to an hour - and sometimes leads directly to the climax.

  • 10 species of animals that show homosexuality is natural

    Oral sex with dolphins

    In bottlenose dolphins, both males and females display homosexual behavior. This includes oral sex, in which one dolphin stimulates the other with its snout. In the bottlenose dolphin world, same-sex sex is as common as straight pairings. Males are generally bisexual, but they also go through periods of only having fun with other males.

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    In the lion's den

    The kings of the animals are also homosexually active. Two to four males often form a community that together court the lionesses. They depend on each other and together drive away groups of other lions. They strengthen their bond by having sex with one another. Researchers call this an intimate male relationship rather than a classic homosexual relationship.

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    Lack of women

    In the American bison, sex between men is more common than heterosexual matings. The reason: the females only mate with the bulls once a year. If you feel the urge when no female is available, you will have fun with another male. More than half of all young bison ascents therefore meet another guy.

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    Macaques and the one-night stand

    The macaques also like matings with the same sex. For males, however, one night of gay pleasure is enough. Females, on the other hand, are usually monogamous and develop close relationships with one another - including other females. They sleep close together, clean themselves and defend each other against enemies.

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    Albatros alliance for life

    The Laysanalbatross, which breeds in Hawaii, is also known for same-sex matings. 30 percent of all couples on the island of Oahu are lesbian couples. They are monogamous and usually stay together for life. They allow their eggs to be fertilized by males from other partnerships. The two women then take care of the fertilized egg and the chick together.

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    Horny bonobos

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  • 10 species of animals that show homosexuality is natural

    Homosexual swans start families

    Like many other species of birds, swans stay with the same partner for life. And that can definitely be a same-sex partner. Around 20 percent of all swan couples are gay - and still have families together. For example, a male mates with a female and drives them away once they have laid eggs. Or the gay couple adopt abandoned eggs.

  • 10 species of animals that show homosexuality is natural

    Tenderness in walruses

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    A sheep's preferences

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    Author: Anne-Sophie Brändlin