My parents hate me
My parents hate me
This is my first post. I would like to report something about my "parents". But briefly something about the general situation: I am an only child, I am 18 years old and I am currently doing my Abitur.
But now to the problem: I am convinced that my parents hate me, or at least don't like me too much.
But now a couple of examples: Ever since I was little, I have had the feeling that my parents are not particularly fond of me, but maybe that's just because I used to hardly have them around because they both had to work. At the beginning of my life I didn't give a lot of thought to it, I mean, I had friends in kindergarten: a few things, however, were strange.
1. Right from the start, my parents talked badly about me, especially in front of their friends or family
2. Even if there was any kind of affection, it was always material things. I never really experienced love, there have been no family outings or game nights in my life. Sometimes they even just canceled Christmas or my birthday if I behaved "badly"
3. My father threatened me again and again, especially in disputes, that he doesn't want me anyway, that he will soon put me in the children's home or that he will just give me up because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
4. Actually, as a family, we didn't even really talk to each other. I have never been allowed to visit my grandparents or other family members "because everyone is wrong" and my parents distanced themselves more and more from everyone.
5. My parents have a very messed up picture, very traditional, almost misogynistic. (Women are objects that should do the household, that only serve their husbands, something like that but I'll come back to that in a moment)
The older I got, the stranger things got on my part. The crux of the matter happened, however, since my mother became "depressed". (I was already 13/14 at that time) I was very worried myself, but as children are, they also need affection themselves. I think up to this point my mother had tried to "protect" me from my father from time to time because he was sometimes violent. But that hadn't happened from then on. Somehow my father didn't really think of me either, because my grades got worse in the period that I hardly wanted to go out. I was just kind of scared, I had the feeling he only loves my mother and never me (he really loves my mother and would do anything for her but for some reason he only feels bad about me and only accuses me of things, whereas he would never offend my mother, much less beat him). This is exactly when the "work" started. Many of my friends have to help with the household, but I don't know anyone who is supposed to handle as many things as I do. I have to vacuum, take out garbage and do laundry, cook, clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, weed beds, take care of the animals completely and often tidy up the living room or other rooms, it is just way too much what I have to do there And that without any help and most of the time I had absolutely no more time for myself or friends, or even school.
So I got to a point where I felt lonely and useless myself, and because of that, I hooked up with the wrong people a lot. (I'm not talking about illegal things now) for example. Was I being blackmailed emotionally or stalked by someone? I mean, I was getting older and at some point I wanted a boyfriend, but nobody warned me about that. I was more and more exploited and cheated, but especially after stalking I should go to therapy. But not because I was afraid of going out, but because I no longer did so much around the house. (So you can tell, actually I was even forced to do it, I shouldn't be doing therapy that helps me, but only them again)
I was in therapy for a very long time, at the beginning I really talked about my stalker, but then only about my family. My therapist helped me a lot and encouraged me again and again that I should just concentrate on school and then move out as soon as possible. (I have to honestly say sometimes I tried to convince myself that maybe I am really the problem, that my parents are the good ones, but in my time so many people tried to prove the opposite and consoled me again and again so that I put this thought aside could)
At the time, I was now 16/17, there were more and more arguments at home and violent things again. I was yelled at, I was told again and again that I was just useless and lazy and that I would never find someone in my life who loved me or treated me with respect, I was humiliated and just put down. My mother had already overcome her own depression by then, and I had the feeling that she now didn't want anything to do with me either. On the contrary, if I was alone with her and said one wrong thing, she would always tease my father and I would take more hits.
I had been on therapy for about 3 years and had to do these kinds of depression tests over and over again, all of which were positive. But I didn't show it to my parents. The first time I had the feeling "ok now they would finally let it and understand" instead they accused me of portraying them extra badly or just laughed at me and tore up the results.
At some point the therapy stopped, I tried to concentrate on school, but my parents never leave me alone for a day. I feel so bad and I just want to move out. I think myself that I don't deserve it, but I don't want to stress you out by calling the police or others. And now I'm just about to graduate and already have a place at the other end of Germany. Still, I don't understand why my parents aren't a bit proud of me. I never did really badly in school, when I applied for the first time I was accepted straight away, my teachers sometimes rave about how well I am "educated", that I am helpful, always do all my tasks and that I am also smart. My friends also appreciate me, I now even have a friend who loves me more than anything and wants to move in with me. (My father also uses this against me by saying that my friends will soon have nothing more to do with me and my friend will soon leave me as soon as he realizes that I am a bad woman who will not make him happy) But me I still don't understand how my parents can hate me so much, they are not even proud of the fact that I have been working since 16, during school and all the housework to finance my driver's license and my later life. (My parents hardly give me pocket money and always said if I want a driver's license I have to work for it, although almost all my friends get one for free)
Why do you hate me so much? Why do they find that I am useless, that I deserve no respect? Why do they say that I don't do anything in the house when I do so much? Why do you hate me so much?
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