What is your worst fart experience

When anilingus backfires

Oral contact. Rosette licking. Rimming. Yes, we're talking about ass licking. And depending on who you ask, he or she may either find it great or think it's arguably the most disgusting sex practice in the world.

But you shouldn't blame the reluctance of those who scoff at the back door, because as Amy Schumer raps in her song "Milk, Milk, Lemonade": "This is where my poo comes out." And of course, the Rimjob raises a few questions, hygienic and health-related. When ass licking is good, everything is great. But if it goes bad - sorry for the cheap jokes - then it's really ... shit.

Here are some of the worst ass-licking stories you will ever read. But if you read this carefully, it will save you one or the other illness - and embarrassing moments. Have fun"!

I'd met the girl a couple of times and decided she'd be fun to sleep with in my boss's house — which I was supposed to be watching. She came over and we did it in the classy shower of the master bedroom. We switched to anal to really take advantage of the sterile environment of the shower. But after a while she got sore. So I got out of her, rinsed my penis and knelt and licked her ass to get her going again.

I don't know if it was the heat in the shower, her bloodstream, or a mixture of both. In any case, she passed out a few seconds after I started ass licking and fell right on my nose. I caught it quickly and almost slipped myself in the process.

She came to as I carried her soaking wet towards the bed. She said she had never seen anything like it. But in the 15 to 20 seconds I expected the worst, such as a ruptured aneurysm. Aside from the tragic death of my fucking relationship, how could I ever have explained this to my boss?
- Chuck, 29

The fuck-my-ass-squabbler

When I went to high school, my interest in kinky stuff grew, so I offered my boyfriend at the time to lick his rear sight, just like an ex showed me. He was a little disgusted at first but took a shower anyway and then realized he LOVES it.

Two years later, sex with him was no longer possible without me also having to attend to his butt. If that wasn't the case, he just lay on his back, stretched his knees towards his chest and pleaded with me until I finally gave in. The whole thing was a real turn-off, not least because his bum was always dirty.

Today, many years later, I'm back with the man who once introduced me to the fine art of ass-licking. There is almost nothing that we would not try together. And the great thing is: he doesn't beg for me to lick his rear sight.
- Laura, 27

MOTHERBOARD: With Bitcoin order: Shitexpress sends anonymously purchased faecal parcels

What goes around comes around

I still remember the guy very well. He was in his mid-twenties, blond, fit, very handsome, and damn sexy. But something was wrong with the color of his skin. I couldn't tell if his skin was so yellow-gray because the light in the gay sauna was so weak or because he had some illness.

His ass could definitely be licked super, I was hard at work. But a few days later, I felt miserable as a dog. That's why I went to the doctor, but it took me an hour to go just 500 meters. I was so weak that I had to take a break every 30 seconds.

I had blood tests and the result was devastating: hepatitis A. I was slowly turning yellow and vomiting everything I ate. After two weeks I felt a little better, but my boyfriend got infected - probably by licking my ass.

Obviously it can take a while after the infection before the first symptoms appear. It was only after six months that the whole thing was over. It was awful.
- Pierre, 42

My tongue, the spare toilet paper

I almost never do anything in bed that is anal. Because when it comes to shit, I get really sensitive. That must have something to do with a little horror story. On my first rim job, I took a short pause to lick something off my tongue — a snippet of toilet paper, it turned out. That was clearly too much for me because I was being vigorously reminded that my tongue was doing pretty much exactly what his toilet paper was doing a short time before. Probably that very moment ruined my ass licking forever. But I also remember looking at my asshole in the mirror for the very first time, a sight that really perturbed me. I just can't get used to the idea that others can see just that.
- Monica, 29

The most disgusting thing about ass-licking is sometimes the very first flick of your tongue when you taste a chemical substance. Probably the soap my friend uses.
- Laura, 27

When I was still fucking my way through world history, I once took a guy home from a bar. He was a dancer and had the most beautiful ass I've ever seen. He was tall and slightly hairy, and because I love to lick asses, I just had to dive towards the crack. Everything seemed great and we definitely had our fun. The next morning I got up, got dressed and went to the hairdresser. There I noticed that I had a pimple on my mouth - ugly, but I thought what the heck. When the hairstyle was done, I spotted two more pimples. By the time I got home, my entire mouth was covered in small, white pimples.

I went to the doctor two days later and he explained that I caught a bacterial infection, probably by licking an asshole. He gave me an ointment and after a few days the pimple spook was over.

The worst moment, however, was the one evening when I still had these pimples and was invited to a friend's house. His roommate eyed me and immediately said, "Is that an ass-licking rash?" I don't know which was more embarrassing: that I was exposed or that he already had it.
- Julian, 39

I was licking the asshole of my boyfriend at the time when he suddenly farted in my face. He almost fell out of bed laughing, I completely lost interest and was pretty pissed off.

I didn't really think about it for the next few days until I woke up one morning with sticky and crusty eyelids. My boyfriend actually gave me conjunctivitis from his fart. That's not why I broke up with him, but the fact that our relationship didn't last long in the end is probably not surprising after the story.
- Steph, 24

The first time my then high school girlfriend and I tried anal was when we both had good ones in tea. It was the middle of the night and we were doing it in the basement of her parents' house, who (hopefully) were already asleep. I started by licking her asshole while stimulating her clitoris at the same time. She was breathing hard and I think she thought it was pretty awesome. Suddenly she screamed, and right after her "Oh no" I felt a crumbly moisture on the tip of my tongue. A split second later I got a stink in my nose and started to choke and spit. "What the fuck!" I got out of my mind. Obviously my licking had made her stool pounding. Very, very fluid stool from the depths of her bowels.

Fortunately (hopefully!) Your parents did not hear my outcry. They definitely didn't come down. But now there was a light brown mark on her suede sofa. Despite all our attempts, we did not get the stain out. I remember exactly how I had to stare at him in horror on subsequent visits.
- Anthony, 27

I've only been partying for a week. And drinking. So I decided I wanted to have sex. I checked in with a muscular and hot guy on Grindr who I'd been writing with for months and then actually drove to his apartment.

We made out and everything went according to plan. He fingered me and licked my hole. But all of a sudden he started and ran towards the bathroom. I don't know if he actually vomited. But when I understood what must have happened, I just stammered, "Oh no, oh no." Suddenly it fell like scales from my eyes: I had just shit in the poor guy's mouth. I sat motionless. When he came back, I immediately said, "Did what I think happened just now?" He just said: "Yes." And I said, "OK, I'd better go then."

I went to the bathroom and there it was: a really big pile of shit. I really didn't notice anything, didn't feel anything. He had fingered me and that must have started my bowel movements. I hadn't even felt a fart. It came out of nowhere. On the way home I felt really sick and literally ran towards the apartment. The rest of the night I was ravaged by highly explosive diarrhea.

But before I was out the door with him, I had tried to somehow lighten his mood. While I was getting dressed, I wanted to make him believe that one day he would understand the sitcom and have a great anecdote to tell forever. He didn't buy it from me.
- David, 32

VICE Sports: Swedish footballer was sent off for mega-farting

Many years ago I was out with a friend in the evening. We met a really hot man, type "surfer boy". We then took him home for a threesome, even though I'd never had anything with my buddy before. The surfer boy really wanted us to trim each other. Although I'm really into ass licking, I wasn't in the mood at all that day. Probably because the third party was just a good friend of mine.

Nevertheless, the surfer boy insisted on it until I went to my friend's place. I just pretended to trim it. I put my face in his ass and made exaggeratedly loud sucking and sucking noises while my friend gave the surfer boy a blowjob. Suddenly he grumbled at me and said: "That doesn't sound like a real rim job." In the end he got up and looked over my shoulder because he still didn't believe me! So I really had to lick my boyfriend's ass, if only briefly. But the look on my face told me what I thought of it. That's why I took part in our threesome elsewhere afterwards. "
- Aaron, 31

Dinner with someone with a sweet tooth

One evening I was looking for quick sex on the internet. To my surprise and delight, there was a guy very close to me who showed interest. I was a bit skeptical because the photos he sent me promised a damn hot guy. I suspected that he had either stolen them from somewhere on the internet, or that they were just plain ancient. I drove to him anyway, and when I got there a guy opened the door for me who looked exactly like the photos. My heart (and tail) leaped for joy. Pretty face, hot body and sexy-playful demeanor.

He asked me to make myself comfortable on his "Rim Chair". That made me pause because I wasn't fresh downstairs, which I quickly pointed out to him. He countered that it would give him great pleasure to smell and lick my mature asshole. What should I do? I decided to "broaden my horizons" and try something new. Besides, did I mention the guy was really hot?

In truth, it wasn't a real "rim chair". Rather, his anilingus chair was a real self-made construction made of two buckets of paint and a few wooden slats. I could already see the slats break and shoot splinters in my ass and face. I have to admit that he could fucking handle his tongue, it felt overwhelming. But for all beginners: When you are trimmed, the sphincter begins to relax. I accidentally slipped a fart or two while riding his tongue. My body gases only seemed to stimulate him even more and he let out soft moans of joy while he rubbed his cock with one hand.

Embarrassingly, I felt a sudden bowel movement knocking on my rectum. I got up straight away to put an end to his rim job. He was surprised and I explained to him, a little ashamed, that we'd better stop because otherwise I would have to shit in his face. He looked at me with a serious expression and just said: "That wouldn't be a bad thing."

The sexy guy really wanted me to poop on his beautiful face. I was shocked - and curious at the same time. Still, I tried to refuse by saying things like "I don't like shit eating", "I don't like the smell of poop" and "It can't be healthy". Without saying a word, he led me back to his rim chair and tied a small towel around his neck - almost like a gourmet would tie a napkin by the collar.

The little circles he conjured up on my asshole with his tongue were magical and accelerated my already strong desire to go to the bathroom. So I dropped a few lumps of feces. The most disturbing thing about the scene wasn't the fact that I had just pooped on a man, but that I could hear him chewing on my shit with relish. I felt sick for a moment, but my cock was hard as steel. Perhaps it was the visual arousal from this really handsome man, or rather it was the pleasant feeling his tongue sent through my whole body — whatever it was, I began to relax and enjoy the experience to the full. And I still remember exactly how I rode his chin like I was at the rodeo.

There were a few moments when he brought me back to the here and now, like when he asked me to stop shitting for a moment so he could keep chewing. It was in those moments that I became aware of the fact that I was shitting someone in the face. But I would like to mention at this point that he really didn't make a mess and I never smelled anything. A real professional. After we both hosed down, I thanked him embarrassed, got dressed and drove home. He wrote to me a few more times afterwards, but I didn't reply to his messages. One time just had to be enough.
- Dave, 27

Get the best of VICE emailed to you every week!

By subscribing to the VICE newsletter, you consent to receiving electronic communications from VICE, which may contain advertising or sponsored content.